Should Children Be Told About a Parent’s Infidelity? A Mother’s Dilemma

After 15 years of marriage, my ex-husband and I separated nearly a decade ago following his affair, which eventually led to our divorce. We attempted to rebuild our relationship but were unsuccessful, largely because he never fully acknowledged his role in the betrayal.

Our two children are now teenagers. Many of my friends believe that someday I should disclose to them that their father was unfaithful. They argue that understanding this truth is essential for the children to truly know their father and comprehend their own histories.

I hold a different view. Despite our separation, their father and I maintain a respectful co-parenting relationship with minimal conflict. We celebrate holidays together, attend their important events, make joint decisions about their upbringing, and present a united front. The children rarely ask about the reasons behind our divorce anymore. Still, I recognize that people often deserve to know the realities that have deeply influenced their lives.

Both of my children face challenges with anxiety and depression, conditions I also grapple with. I worry that revealing their father’s infidelity could damage their relationship with him, a parent they deeply love and trust. Furthermore, such a disclosure might provoke anger from their father and create a more contentious environment, ultimately affecting the children’s emotional well-being.

What would be the most emotionally healthy approach? If I choose not to share this information now, but the children start asking questions in the future, should I then tell them the full truth? Or is it better to continue explaining that their father and I simply fell out of the romantic love that defines marriage?

From the Therapist: To address your question effectively, it’s important to clarify what you and your friends mean by “the truth.”