A Thoughtful Guide to Coming Out to a Friend

This essay, authored by 18-year-old Zixuan Wang from Beijing, was selected as one of the top 10 winners in a recent informational writing contest focused on practical guidance.

A Thoughtful Approach to Coming Out to a Friend

Bao Liwei, who runs a café in Chengdu, compares coming out to removing a cake from the oven: you sense it’s ready when the atmosphere feels right. His café, nestled between a noodle stall and a mahjong parlor, serves as a quiet refuge for those seeking support. Over seven years, Bao has baked rainbow-themed cakes for local LGBTQ+ groups and offered discreet guidance to many friends navigating their coming-out experiences. He emphasizes that both timing and approach are crucial.

Start by selecting an appropriate moment—not during a party, a heated discussion, or when your friend is overwhelmed. Look for calm opportunities like a walk after dinner, a late-night conversation, or a peaceful spot in a park. Speak with clarity and simplicity, saying something like, “There’s something important I want to share,” or “I trust you with this.” Avoid complicated metaphors; straightforwardness is more compassionate. Bao advises treating your friend as a trusted guest and presenting your truth plainly, much like serving a cup of tea.

Be prepared for silence—it doesn’t mean rejection but time to process. Encourage questions, even if they seem awkward. If your friend remarks, “But you dated people of the opposite sex before,” respond honestly that it was part of discovering yourself. If humor arises, such as joking about sharing clothes, embrace it as a way to connect, not dismiss. If they offer well-intentioned clichés like “You’re so brave,” gently clarify, “It’s not bravery, it’s just who I am.”

Why is this important? Because holding onto secrets can be heavier than facing temporary discomfort. True friendship means being fully seen and accepted. Bao recalls a customer who rehearsed her coming-out speech over cappuccino foam for weeks. When she finally shared it with her best friend over matcha cake, her friend was moved to tears—not from surprise but from remorse. She confessed she had known since they were teenagers.

Conclude your conversation with simplicity, just as you began. Express gratitude with phrases like “Thank you for listening,” or reassure them, “I’m still the same person.” Then gently shift the topic to everyday matters—the weather, a favorite café, or a humorous work anecdote. Returning to normalcy is a meaningful gesture. Bao likens this to adding a touch of edible glitter to cookies: after sharing your truth, the real effort is allowing your friend to love you just as before, but with richer understanding.