Should Children Be Told About a Parent's Infidelity? A Mother's Dilemma

My ex-husband and I were married for 15 years before separating nine years ago after he had an affair. Despite efforts to reconcile, we ultimately divorced, largely because I felt he never fully took responsibility for his actions.

Our two children are now teenagers. Several friends have suggested that one day I should tell them about their father’s infidelity, believing that without this knowledge, they may never truly understand their father or their own lives.

I disagree. Their father and I maintain a cordial co-parenting relationship, and the children have not witnessed significant conflict between us. We celebrate holidays together, attend their events, make parenting decisions jointly, and present a united front. Moreover, they no longer ask about the divorce. Still, I recognize the importance of honesty about significant life events.

Both of my children struggle with anxiety and depression, as do I. I worry that revealing their father’s affair might cause them to lose trust in a parent they love deeply. Additionally, their father would be upset if I disclosed this information, potentially escalating tensions and placing the children in a more difficult situation than they currently face.

What is the healthiest approach emotionally? If I choose not to share this now, but they begin to ask questions as they grow older, is it better to be truthful then or continue to explain the divorce as simply a loss of romantic love between their parents?

A therapist’s perspective: To answer your question, you first need to clarify what you and your friends mean by 'the truth.'

You seem to assume your version of the marriage’s end is the sole truth—that your husband’s betrayal and his failure to take responsibility caused the split. While this is true for you, it’s likely your ex-husband has his own perspective, equally valid to him.

Perhaps from his viewpoint, the relationship was already fragile before the affair: one or both partners might have felt disconnected, communication may have broken down, important issues were avoided, affection had diminished, the impact of anxiety and depression was unmanaged, or both felt profoundly lonely and hopeless. The affair may have been his way of coping with what he perceived as a failing marriage.

In essence, most marital breakdowns involve a complex weave of two subjective narratives, each containing painful truths. Your question then becomes whether, if you share the cause of the divorce—the affair—you would also share all the other factors that contributed to the marriage’s end. And if you do, how would this knowledge support your children’s emotional well-being and help them maintain strong relationships with both parents without feeling forced to judge who caused more harm?

Your children need honesty, but that doesn’t mean offering more information than they seek. Parents are not obligated to disclose marital issues to anyone outside the marriage, including their children. While secrecy can be harmful, privacy can be protective. If your children ask more about the divorce, you might say, 'Relationships have many layers that outsiders can’t fully understand, and there’s no simple explanation for what happened between your father and me. We worked hard to make things work but agreed to keep some details private. That said, I’m happy to talk about how the divorce has affected you.'

It’s possible your children might learn about the affair from someone else. If that happens, you can be honest without oversharing: 'Yes, that happened, and it was very painful. We tried to heal our marriage, but ultimately, we prioritized becoming strong co-parents.' If they ask for details, you could respond, 'If you want to know more, I suggest asking your father, as that’s a story he should tell.'

He can decide what level of detail is appropriate, recognizing that sometimes children’s questions may be less about facts and more about trust and reassurance. For example, questions like 'Who was the affair with?' or 'Where did it happen?' might really be attempts to understand if he felt guilt, has lied before, or can be trusted going forward. It can help to ask your children, 'What do you hope to understand by knowing these details? Are you trying to figure out how someone could do that or whether you can trust them?'

At the same time, consider your motivations for sharing marital details, now or in the future. While friends may believe revealing the affair helps your children understand their father and themselves better, it might also stem from a desire for your pain to be acknowledged. You may want your children to see their father as the one who caused the turmoil and yourself as the wronged party who chose stability. However, this perspective serves neither your children nor your healing, which is your responsibility alone.

In summary, you are not required to disclose the affair. But if the moment comes and your children ask, you can respond honestly in a way that is emotionally considerate and not burdensome.

This kind of truth is what will ultimately benefit them.