The Hidden Toll of ‘Fawning’: How Excessive People-Pleasing Undermines Relationships

Meg Josephson, a psychotherapist based in San Francisco, once encountered a client who left every social gathering convinced, without any evidence, that everyone disliked her.

This pattern resonated with Ms. Josephson personally and among her clients. It manifests as heightened sensitivity to minor social cues—like feeling alarmed when a friend’s message ends with a period instead of an enthusiastic exclamation point, or spiraling into doubt when a neighbor fails to greet you. Even a simple notification that your boss wants to talk can trigger the immediate fear of being fired.

To address these fears, Ms. Josephson shared a video on social media reassuring viewers, “You’re okay — they’re not secretly upset with you.”

The response was overwhelming, with thousands sharing similar experiences and acknowledging how much they self-inflict anxiety.

This persistent worry of being in trouble is widespread, and the coping mechanism some use to manage it is known as 'fawning.'

Traditionally, stress responses are categorized as fight, flight, or freeze. However, some mental health professionals identify 'fawning' as a fourth response. Psychologist Pete Walker, who studies complex post-traumatic stress disorder, coined the term to describe an intense form of people-pleasing developed as a trauma response in childhood.

While research on fawning is still developing, experts like Nora Brier, a clinical psychiatry professor, note it is often linked to reactions to interpersonal violence, dissociation, and submissive behaviors aimed at avoiding conflict. She emphasizes the need for more scientific exploration into whether fawning qualifies as a distinct nervous system response.

According to Ms. Josephson, individuals who fawn go to great lengths to be agreeable and helpful toward perceived threats. Her own upbringing in a turbulent household, where she frequently had to soothe her volatile father, shaped her understanding of this behavior.

While fawning can be a survival tactic—helping maintain physical safety or job security—it becomes problematic when the nervous system remains on high alert in safe environments, causing excessive emotional monitoring and vigilance.

Through her book, "Are You Mad at Me? How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You," Ms. Josephson aims to assist those trapped in the mindset of needing others’ approval to feel secure.

Here are three practical insights from her work to help break free from the fawning impulse.

Avoid Assuming You’ve Done Something Wrong

Challenge the automatic belief that someone is upset with you by asking: Is this perception entirely accurate? Is the person’s behavior consistent or unusual? Could external factors like stress or personal issues explain their distance?

For instance, when a friend doesn’t reply promptly, it’s easy to think, “Did I say something wrong?” But often, messages are delayed due to meetings or distractions, a reality Ms. Josephson frequently reminds herself.

While people can be upset with you at times, it’s important to recognize when anxious thoughts mislead you.

Start Small to Manage Fawning Behaviors

Setting boundaries and saying no can feel daunting for those who habitually fawn. Begin with low-pressure situations.

Pay attention to habitual people-pleasing phrases that don’t reflect your true feelings, such as saying “no problem” when there is a problem, or asking “Is this OK with you?” when it isn’t.

If someone apologizes for causing hurt, your instinct might be to quickly ease their guilt with phrases like, “It’s totally fine.” Instead, try responding, “Thank you, I’m glad we’re discussing this.”

If someone insists they are not angry, accept their words at face value. Learn to tolerate the discomfort of trusting others’ expressions without doubting hidden feelings.

Ms. Josephson advises that passive-aggressive behavior directed at you without direct communication is not your responsibility to fix, stating, “You shouldn’t have to develop mind-reading skills.”

Prioritize Genuine Communication

Fawning often favors superficial harmony over authentic connection. However, honest and clear communication is crucial for healthy relationships and eliminates the need to interpret hidden meanings.

Practice being straightforward with someone you trust and ask for their support as you work on this.

For example, if you must cancel plans, be truthful rather than inventing excuses to avoid upsetting the other person. Though initially uncomfortable, this honesty conserves emotional energy over time and strengthens valued relationships.

Before succumbing to the urge to fawn, perform an authenticity check: Am I expressing what I truly mean, or am I trying to please someone else?

Remember, while you cannot control others’ happiness, you can control how you allocate your time, energy, and focus.