Supporting Someone Facing an Unexpected Loss: Ways to Offer Comfort

This article was originally published in January 2022.

In recent years, the husbands of three of my close friends passed away suddenly at around 50 years old. These experiences taught me how to provide support during unexpected loss. I never imagined I would be the one needing such comfort until I lost my son Garrett to suicide in September 2017.

Since Garrett’s passing, I have been deeply moved by the kindness shown by my community. A friend arranged for my house gutters to be cleaned and windows washed. Our family veterinarian refused payment for pet care services over an entire year. Another friend lent us the keys to her lake house whenever we needed a getaway. Every spring, a hanging plant appears on our porch, a gift from the parents of one of Garrett’s friends. Despite the profound pain of this journey without my son, these acts have offered glimpses of hope amid despair.

While many have offered help following our loss, this generosity is not always extended after sudden deaths—something many families experienced during the COVID-19 pandemic, which claimed over 800,000 lives in the United States alone.

“Many grieving individuals endure a secondary loss when friends and family withdraw out of their own discomfort,” explains Sherry Cormier, a psychologist and certified trauma grief specialist. Being present with a friend’s pain in these circumstances can provoke anxiety about mortality, as people may think, ‘That could happen to me.’

Unlike the death of an elderly person after a prolonged illness, a sudden loss can completely overturn one’s world and create total chaos,” says Camille Wortman, a social and health psychology professor and author of Treating Traumatic Bereavement: A Practitioner’s Guide.

Beyond the loss itself, one of the most painful experiences for those grieving is the reluctance of friends and family to support them through their sorrow, notes Cormier. Instead of withdrawing, offering connection can make a meaningful difference. Here are some ways to assist someone recently confronted with loss.